Peaches

Well, Fall has sprung upon us, bringing along with it...what? What do you associate with the different seasons?

Some associate sports:

• Winter: Hockey, Basketball
• Spring: Baseball, Basketball
• Summer: Swimming, Basketball
• Fall: Football, Basketball

Some associate clothing:

• Winter: Parkas, Muffs
• Spring: Easter dresses, Bonnets
  
• Summer: Shorts, Swimsuits
• Fall: Sweaters, Boots

Some associate seasonings:

• Winter: Salt, Pepper
• Spring: Rosemary, Thyme
• Summer: Mustard, Garlic
• Fall: Allspice, Oregano

But those people are just jerks.












Me? I associate seasons with fruit:

• Winter: Pink Grapefruit, Oranges
• Spring: Strawberries, Blueberries
• Summer: Peaches, Watermelons
• Fall: Apples, Apples
  

So, according to this, Summer is my favorite season, because peaches are my favorite fruit. Some people like their peaches soft and juicy, so that the juice runs down their chin. Not me (the beard may have something to do with that). I'm all about the texture; I like my peaches nice and crisp. I have fond memories of climbing in my grandmother's peach trees and picking green peaches, about the size of a golf ball, and munching down on them. I was told that they'd give me a stomach ache, but they never did.

Fast forward 30 years, to a produce department in a local grocery store. I'm trying to buy some peaches, but all of the ones they have are soft and mushy. As I'm looking for some that are to my liking, a rather attractive woman, whom I had noticed when she walked into the store, sidles up next to me and also starts checking out the peaches. She picks one up, and gives me a bit of a quizzical look.

"Yeah," I said, "I like mine hard."

She didn't respond. I soon realized what I had just said, set down the peach in my hand, and left, my face turning as red as the beets in the next aisle.

What Would You Do With A Bear?

Here's something pretty cool on YouTube, but, unfortunately, I can't figure out how to embed it here.



So, click here to see it.

Then, think of things that the hunter can do with the bear. Yes, they seem to have anticipated your perverted suggestions. This is a screen grab from one of my favorites.



Have fun!

Wordless Wednesday (Done Right)

Pampering Your Opossum

No, that's not a euphemism, and don't forget the "O"!

First, give it a nice massage:


Then, some dental hygiene:


And, finally, a nice pedicure:

Need an Insult?

So, you're having a rough day at work, thanks to one of your coworkers? Or maybe the paper boy threw your paper on the roof. Again? Where's that good insult when you really need one?

Well, here are a hundred of 'em, take your pick from this NSFW video:



A list of the movies that these were taken from can be found here.

A Discussion with Dave

If I had been a Boy Scout, my motto would have been, "Be Prepared," but I wasn't. That doesn't mean, however, that I can't still be prepared.

For example, what if I were to ever appear on The Late Show with David Letterman? Why would I appear on that show, you may ask, and that would be a very good question, but one that could possibly get you removed from my Facebook Friends list. (I know, it's a small threat, but it's all I've got.) But to answer your question, who knows? Maybe they'd mistake me for someone else.

But that's all beside the point. The point is, what would me, a guy who has nothing to say, have to say to Dave? Well, as luck would have it, that conversation came to me tonight(*).

Me: So, Dave, do you ever pee in the shower?

Dave: Um, no. No, I don't.

Me: I didn't either, until I saw Madonna on your show, and she said that it helps to cure athlete's foot. So now I do. I learn a lot of stuff on this show, Dave. You know kids could learn a lot on this show, too, if only it weren't on so late. Maybe you could change to the 10pm time slot or something.

Dave: Um, no. No, I don't think we'd want to do that.

Me: Have you ever had athlete's foot, Dave?

Dave: No. No, I don't believe that I have.

Me: I've never had it either, but, from what I've seen on TV, it looks like really nasty stuff. Flames coming off of your toes and everything. It seems like you'd go through a lot of socks that way. I guess if you ever had athlete's foot, though, you could just wear some of those Nomex socks that your Indy car drivers wear. They're fire proof.

Dave: Yeah. Yeah, I suppose I could.

Me: The other bad thing about having athlete's foot, Dave, is that you'd probably get a visit from John Madden. That guy scares me, the way he yells, "BOOM!" all the time. You get athlete's foot, and John Madden's in your living room, watching the flames shoot off of your feet, then he yells, "BOOM!" and throws a can of Tough Actin' Tinactin at you.



Whoops! Is it ok for me to say "Tough Actin' Tinactin" on here, or does that count as a plug? Oh, well, now maybe they'll send me a case of it. But that would be kind of ironic, wouldn't it, since I don't need it, because, you know, I pee in the shower and all, thanks to Madonna and your show!

Dave: Yes, yes, that would be ironic. Unfortunately, Mrs. Bush, that's all the time we have tonight. Please tell Former President Bush (your husband, not that other one) I said 'hello,' won't you?

(*)No, I'm not going to tell you where I was when I thought of this discussion, or what I was doing in the shower.

For Bev

And anyone else having issues with blogger today.

Neener! Neener! Neener!

Here's something else (slightly NSFW):