Need an Insult?

So, you're having a rough day at work, thanks to one of your coworkers? Or maybe the paper boy threw your paper on the roof. Again? Where's that good insult when you really need one?

Well, here are a hundred of 'em, take your pick from this NSFW video:



A list of the movies that these were taken from can be found here.

A Discussion with Dave

If I had been a Boy Scout, my motto would have been, "Be Prepared," but I wasn't. That doesn't mean, however, that I can't still be prepared.

For example, what if I were to ever appear on The Late Show with David Letterman? Why would I appear on that show, you may ask, and that would be a very good question, but one that could possibly get you removed from my Facebook Friends list. (I know, it's a small threat, but it's all I've got.) But to answer your question, who knows? Maybe they'd mistake me for someone else.

But that's all beside the point. The point is, what would me, a guy who has nothing to say, have to say to Dave? Well, as luck would have it, that conversation came to me tonight(*).

Me: So, Dave, do you ever pee in the shower?

Dave: Um, no. No, I don't.

Me: I didn't either, until I saw Madonna on your show, and she said that it helps to cure athlete's foot. So now I do. I learn a lot of stuff on this show, Dave. You know kids could learn a lot on this show, too, if only it weren't on so late. Maybe you could change to the 10pm time slot or something.

Dave: Um, no. No, I don't think we'd want to do that.

Me: Have you ever had athlete's foot, Dave?

Dave: No. No, I don't believe that I have.

Me: I've never had it either, but, from what I've seen on TV, it looks like really nasty stuff. Flames coming off of your toes and everything. It seems like you'd go through a lot of socks that way. I guess if you ever had athlete's foot, though, you could just wear some of those Nomex socks that your Indy car drivers wear. They're fire proof.

Dave: Yeah. Yeah, I suppose I could.

Me: The other bad thing about having athlete's foot, Dave, is that you'd probably get a visit from John Madden. That guy scares me, the way he yells, "BOOM!" all the time. You get athlete's foot, and John Madden's in your living room, watching the flames shoot off of your feet, then he yells, "BOOM!" and throws a can of Tough Actin' Tinactin at you.



Whoops! Is it ok for me to say "Tough Actin' Tinactin" on here, or does that count as a plug? Oh, well, now maybe they'll send me a case of it. But that would be kind of ironic, wouldn't it, since I don't need it, because, you know, I pee in the shower and all, thanks to Madonna and your show!

Dave: Yes, yes, that would be ironic. Unfortunately, Mrs. Bush, that's all the time we have tonight. Please tell Former President Bush (your husband, not that other one) I said 'hello,' won't you?

(*)No, I'm not going to tell you where I was when I thought of this discussion, or what I was doing in the shower.

For Bev

And anyone else having issues with blogger today.

Neener! Neener! Neener!

Here's something else (slightly NSFW):

It's Official

I am now, officially, an Old Geyser.

FOLOTD Take Bahston

As I mentioned in a previous post, I was headed up to the East Coast, so I decided to look in on some new old friends, Mala and Bev. I had mentioned to Samsmama that I was a bit worried that I'd not be able to keep up with the antics of the Wild Women of New Hampshire, and she said that she was sure of it, and that I shouldn't even try. That was, in its own way, comforting.

It was decided that we'd meet at Boston's Fanueil Hall Marketplace, outside of the Cheers bar, eat dinner at McCormick and Schmicks, and then catch the comedy show at Cheers. I got there a bit early, and like any good stalker guy with extra time on his hands, decided to scope out the area, to find where we were supposed to meet and eat. I found the outdoor Cheers area easily, and kept walking around the building. When I got to the other side, there was another outdoor Cheers area. Hmmmmm. I thought I saw La Bev y La Mala sitting at a table there, but they were sitting with what appeared to be some homeless guy, and if they had thought that was me, I was going to be disappointed. Also, the woman that looked like Bev seemed to be a bit bored, and somehow I can't imagine Bev ever being bored.

I decided to sit at the side of Cheers that was nearer to McCormick and Schmicks, both because it seemed the more obvious meeting place, and I'd have to walk less to get to dinner. (I'm nothing if not lazy efficient.) I sat there watching people go by, seeing if I could spot B&M before they spotted me.

Not them. Too short.

Nope. Too old.

Probably not in the group of 47 kids.

Uh uh. Too much facial hair.

A few minutes later, I was approached by a couple of women, one of whom was quite bevalicious, and the other who was muy malarrific. The bevalicious one whispered something in a soft raspy voice.

"What?" I replied, "YOU WANT ME TO STICK IT WHERE?"

Oops. I guess I had misunderstood what she said.

It was Bev and Mala! (Though they tried to convince me that it was Mala and Bev.)

I reached into my back pocket for the weeds flowers that I had pulled from a yard bought at an expensive florist earlier in the afternoon and presented them to my newfound old friends. Bev's reaction? "How long do I have to hold this?"

We then went to dinner, where Bev and Mala instantly started to peruse the wine menu. When I ordered iced tea, Bev asked me if I wasn't going to join them.

"Why, are you falling apart?" I asked. (And Samsmama didn't think I'd be able to keep up. I think I just put that silly notion to rest.)

Dinner was good, even though the waiter got my and Bev's dishes mixed up.

As we were finishing dinner, Mala spied the "Special Drinks Menu," so we all had Bacon and Bleu Cheese Martinis for dessert. These were just regular martinis with bacon and bleu cheese stuffed into the olives, so as long as you kept the olives out of the gin, they were ok, but as soon as you let your olives dip into the juniper berry elixir, all bets were off, as the martini quickly became a milky sludge.

Mala uses gin to wash away the wine on my arm.

Checking the validity of Bev's claims.
Yes. Very.

After I helped Bev finish her dessert, we headed over to Cheers, only to find that the comedy show was not going to happen. After Bev and Mala finished terrorizing Norm and Frasier, we went off to mingle with the locals:

Bev's are nicer.

and find the improv club that we were told about. We got there about an hour early, so got drinks (What? No gin? No bacon? No bleu cheese? I'll have a glass of wine, I guess.) and waited for the next show.

Is this an improv show, or a peep show?

During the intermission of the improv show, Bev whispered those three little words that brought joy and happiness to my ears:

"Can we leave?"

So we high-tailed it out of there, and went over to the Hard Rock, where we checked out stuff:

Mala checks out Ian Anderson's blouse, I check out something else.

For some reason, we were the only party they sat outside. They must have heard us coming. Maybe we should have arrived in the Hummer limo that Bev accosted on the way, surely they would have given us a better table, then! At least they had gin, so I was happy.

A few more pictures taken, a few more laughs shared, then, alas, it was time to go our separate ways, and we each had hour-long drives ahead of us.

It was a great time, and well worth the trip to Boston. Thanks, ladies!

Turnabout is fair play.

(Many thanks to Pookie for the photos!)

East Coast Bound

All of the restraining orders have expired (I think), so I'm heading up to the East Coast this weekend. I'm going to start out in Boston, and if I survive Friday night with Bev and Mala, I'll fly down to Maryland to watch my nieces graduate from high school.

So, I'll be in the MD/VA/DC area, if any of you want to have lunch or something. The best time for me would be Saturday, May 29, as the family will be off to see some play about an opera.

Whiskeygirl, Wendy in RI VA, what do y'all say? Batter of Tact Commie, you bring AL and I'll bring the sandwich bags!

Leave me a comment, or e-mail if you want to get together.

Keva and OBMJ, I'll wave as I fly over your state.

I'm Waiting for Part Three

From xkcd.